A woman filed for divorce after she caught her husband cheating. After she finished with the legal paperwork, she took out a pen and paper to draft a special “thank you” for her wayward husband’s mistress,
Thanks so much for leaving those little bite marks all over my husband’s chest the other night. I really appreciate it, girl! You have set me and my kids free!
As a reward for your thoughtful services to our family, I’m offering you my husband, for keeps! Should you choose to claim your prize, please pay attention to the following rules:
You must financially support him. He will be responsible for child support for our two children, and alimony for me since I have spent the last 10 years of my life raising these children. So forget about his money, honey, that’s all mine!
You will have to clothe him. See, this crazy thing happened! When he got out of the shower the other day, and I saw all of those cute little “love bites,” a giant black hole appeared in our bedroom. It was the craziest thing! All of his clothing got sucked in, so you can outfit him any way you choose. Buy some leather pants, maybe a leash, whatever you want, girlfriend.
You will have to say goodbye to him every other weekend. This time will be set aside for supervised visits with his children.
You must say goodbye to a proper sex life. You see, I know that you didn’t sleep with him last night. Ever since his back injury five years ago, his penis hasn’t functioned properly. The only way for him to even attempt arousal is with a little blue pill, and even with that, you get only two minutes, three minutes tops. Most of the time he won’t even try. So stock up on those batteries, sweetheart! It’s nerve damage and cannot be fixed, so you’ll have to deal with it just like I did.
You will never return him to me. I will not take him back or let him in my home. He had a great thing going here, and he threw it all away with you. You can try, but I sincerely doubt that you’ll ever live up to what we had.
You must accept it when he blames you for all of this. You see, he told me whilst begging for my forgiveness with tears streaming down his face, that you giggled and said, “I hope your wife sees my bites.” Well, your wish came true, honey, and he’s pissed, severely pissed… at you.
And last, but not least, this is more of a friendly warning than a rule. I will make it my mission in life to take up all of his time with the pettiest stuff I can think of just to spite you. I will work to hurt him and you to the degree that my kids are hurting right now. He will smile and deal with it for me and the kids, but then will spend hours every day complaining to you about it. And in case you were wondering, I feel completely justified doing this.
So thanks again, Carla! You’ve shown me that 13 years and two children were no match for you and your adorable little bite marks. I accept defeat and applaud you on a man well won… HE’S ALL YOURS!
What do you think about her letter?